there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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