Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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