I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
