U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
People in love make me want to vomit
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
