I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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