I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
