I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
