You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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