I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
