I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
