I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
