nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
