Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
