my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
