The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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