there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
