my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
