My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
