Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
