ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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