she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
