Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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