Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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