as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
