He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
