the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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