i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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