i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
