It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Randomize
