tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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