Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
