Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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