1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
