did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
