The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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