She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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