It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
