You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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