I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
