Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
