The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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