32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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