she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
