Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
