just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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