i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
