I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize