My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
