We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
