The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
