She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
