Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
