Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
