Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
