Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
