Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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