vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
