Little spoons don't ask big questions
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Randomize
