Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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