If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
