I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
