my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize