my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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