zippers are such a cool invention
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
